Homecoming!

As I sit here writing this my sweet husband is outside playing football with the boys and watching Parker "swing himself", a task he learned to do while Daddy was away and one that he was so proud of.  He also learned to ride his bike unaccompanied which Daddy had been teaching him for weeks. 

This deployment was tough.  Out of all 6 times Stephen has deployed this one was the hardest.  He left 2 weeks after we lost our last baby at 15 weeks.  I was a complete wreck for the first time in my entire life.  It was so hard.  I didn't know how I was going to get through it.  The day after he left I called my sister in a panic having what I believe to be an anxiety attack. I then spent a good hour on the phone with my mom and dad.  It is hard for me to share this but I promise it has a happy ending. 

My parent's are the best counselors out there.  My mom cried with me even though I knew she was trying to be strong for me.  I was upset for her too.  We are far apart and she had to leave me to deal with this.  It wasn't easy for me or her for that matter.  They prayed with me, told me to seek counsel, go to church, get in the word.  "Do not run away from this."  "Do not sink into that hole." 

It was a hole.  I have never known depression, never understood it.  I know it all too well now.  I know that so many people deal with this but I just couldn't grasp the horror of it until I was staring it right in the face.  It is tough.  I had to go to my follow up appointment with the fertility/endocrinology specialist who told me that this, like the previous baby, was a girl.  He felt that possibly I just can't carry girls which was heartbreaking to me.  My body essentially deprived both babies of nutrients is what he believes happened and of course we will never know about the first 2 miscarriages because they happened naturally.  He offered to do in vitro fertilization and implant only males.  I kindly declined his offer and drove the 2 hours home completely and utterly numb.  I wanted to cry so badly but couldn't.  I couldn't feel anything.  It was a horrible place for  me.  My mom told me to take it hour by hour and that's what I did. 

Then, God stepped in with a huge gift.  Mariah Foster!  Oh how I love that girl.  My good friend had told me her sister, who I had met and loved, was looking for a place to stay for a while.  I had previously told her that she could stay with us while Stephen was deployed and then totally forgot about it.  Well, she came and for 2 days a week she had a friend come!  They did the dishes!  Mariah watched the kids!  She watched TV on the couch with me and made me laugh.  She and her sister pulled me into their family of other sisters (they have brothers too but I needed sisters).  It is amazing how even when you don't know how to pray, when you don't know what to say.  Even when you are trying your hardest not to ask God "why" and get mad at Him, He swoops in at the perfect time, with the perfect solution. 

My awesome friends who I met at our previous assignment and who live FAR away, well one of them does, in New Jersey, drove for days and days to see me.  They both had deployed husbands one of which missed the birth of his baby. (Military life is hard ya'll)  It was so nice to see their faces and have them here, even though I was in the biggest FUNK of my life.  I also have a great group of friends in neighbors and spouses who are apart of Stephen's squadron who always were there at the right moments.  My neighbors with "Football Sundays" and just coffee or wine in the afternoons with a chat.  Or when I finally felt myself again, the last week before Stephen came home, spending hours painting his man cave with me and helping me get it completed in the nick of time.

Stephen also told me that this was the hardest for him as well.  He said it was hard to be away more this time than ever before.  We skyped ALOT and it helped so much.  Thank goodness for modern technology.

I was held when I couldn't move one foot in front of the other.  And while I'm still being held by God, I am also held by my husband now. Because he is HOME!

And now for your viewing pleasure....

If you could see my face you would know what the look of complete and total relief and joy looks like!

My best friend is back!

Thanks to all of you for the cards, flowers, kind words and prayers!  We used em all up!

Grace

Well yesterday, August 28th was my big boy's first day of Kindergarten.  It was so hard for me to say goodbye to him.  It was hard because I couldn't believe he was already old enough to go to school but also because I hated the thought of him being away from me for 7 hours every day.  He enjoyed his first day and was excited to come home and tell me all about it.

Unfortunately, my day didn't get any easier.  After dropping Parker off at school, Eli and I went to the doctor.  It was time for my 15 week checkup (yes you read that right) and I was hoping to schedule a sonogram for the next week to try and determine the sex of he baby before Stephen deploys.  The doctor got out the Doppler to let us hear the heartbeat but she couldn't find it.  I was trying to be strong and optimistic since I had Eli with me but I knew at 15 weeks this was not a good thing.  We went into the sonogram room and saw our baby with no heartbeat.  They estimate that it passed away a week ago.  I had seen a specialist and was on a myriad of meds to keep me pregnant.  We all hoped it had worked and I had gotten off the meds at 12 weeks because the doctor said everything should be fine.  I am having surgery tomorrow and they will try to do genetic testing on the baby to see what is happening to cause this.

We have been surrounded by love and concern.  Our neighbors and friends are bringing food and taking good care of us.  I am a little concerned about Stephen deploying next week but am going to rely on God's grace and faithfulness to see us through.

Thank you for your prayers and words of encouragement.

English Assignment

Ok, as promised I will publish my short story for my English Assignment.

The guidelines were:
It had to be a complete story, 150 words or less and the main character's name had to be Shawn Bell.

                                                                  

                                               Legacy




The pain of loss was a familiar feeling for Shawn Bell. She had lost her parents, her husband, and a child. Shawn knew she didn’t have much longer to live. She was surrounded by her five living children, their spouses, and all 15 of her grandchildren. She felt at peace but hoped everyone would realize that she wanted them to move on quickly. Life was for the living.

Shawn was happy that she was about to be reunited with the love of her life and her baby girl. “Jesus, please comfort my family,” she prayed silently as they all started to sing. She felt herself start to smile as she took her last breath. She knew that just as God had held her when she went through the tragedies in her life, he was now holding her family in their time of sorrow.

“Blessed assurance, Jesus is mine….”



                                                                    The End

Critique AWAY!

Life Goes On

Well much has happened since my last post.  I had my follow-up appiontment from the D&C with my OBGYN.  She told me that they didn't get any conclusive results from the baby.  I thought that would happen and was surprisingly ok with not having the answer to my "Why".  In this instance I have learned that trust and faith are both very essential to sanity.  I simply trust that God's hand was on our family and have faith that His will is best.  My doctor also referred me to a Reproductive Endocrinologist.  He works outside of Denver in an infertility clinic so I will see him at the end of June and we will go from there. 

The latest big deal in our house is that now our baby:
Elijah Stephen Holt 5/14/08 8lbs 13oz

TURNED 4!!!

He is such a blessing to us and always makes us laugh.  I can't believe that my baby is 4 years old and that my oldest is going to Kindergarten in the fall.  I am now the mother of a "School-Aged" child?  How did that happen? 

Here is a picture of our latest Wyoming Adventure...Hiking in Nebraska (I know that isn't Wyoming but it's close ok?)

The boys are naturals...

Coming up...VACATION! Tune in soon.

He Weeps With Us

At 10 weeks I was able to hear my baby's heartbeat and finally able to rest easy with this pregnancy.  I was getting super excited to have a baby in the house again. I started dreaming about the baby and was filled with such an overwhelming sense of blessing to be having this baby.  After 2 miscarriages it was such a relief to hear that beautiful sound fill the room.  Then at 12 weeks I went in due to some weird sharp pains in my upper abdomen.  The doctor couldn't find the baby's heartbeat with the doppler.  She told me not to freak out, and I didn't.  I was more excited that I was going to get to see my baby.  I walked down the hallway to the ultrasound room and watched on the big screen in front of me as the video of my baby appeared.  It was a perfect baby.  I saw it's little hands and arms.  Its face was tucked down on its chest and it's legs were curled up into it's belly.  This looked like a perfect baby measuring 12weeks and 3 days, a few days bigger than we expected.  There was just one thing missing, the ever important blinking in the chest indicating the heartbeat.  I looked over at the sonographer and said "there's no heartbeat" and she said "no, I'm sorry".  I asked her if anything else looked abnormal and she said "no, everything looks perfect".  That was exactly what I was thinking, this baby looked perfect.  How could it not be here?  But there was a stillness that I can't forget.  It was so still, no blinking heartbeat, no moving just a peaceful, beautiful baby. 

I drove home with the doctor's words bouncing around in my head.  "It happened very recently, possibly in the last 24 hours; it wasn't your fault; we couldn't have prevented this; you can wait and do it naturally at home or let us take care of it at the hospital; it will feel like full term labor; it will be traumatizing; we can test the baby if you do it at the hospital and see what happened".  By the time I got home I was determined that nobody was going to take this baby from me.  I would let it happen naturally.  I came home and talked to my husband who thought this was not a good idea, my mom and sisters who also advised me to let them do it at the hospital.  I somehow imagined myself burying the baby under a rose bush but of course, when you don't live somewhere permanently, this is also hard to imagine.  Then my big sister who has gone through this before said, "the baby's soul is gone".  I finally realized that although I saw a perfect baby that morning that it was with Jesus, and nothing I could do would change that.  I let my husband set up the surgery with the doctor with the understanding that I would have another ultrasound the next morning before the procedure and we waited.  I sat in my car outside the hospital and prayed and asked God to carry me.  I knew I couldn't do this by myself.  It was too heartbreaking and I was too weak.  He came through in every way possible.

The thought of my baby, that perfect baby in my womb not being validated somehow is heartbreaking.  I had life inside of me, how could I just forget about that?  This was somehow different for me than the 2 babies I lost earlier in pregnancy.  Somehow the fact that it all happened naturally made it seem more acceptable.  But I know that God breathed life into that baby inside of me, and it continues to have life with Him in heaven.

The entire next day, looking at my baby again, then later, waiting for the anesthesia to kick in, I was being held.  I was only slightly nervous but my heart was at peace.  A peace that could not be explained.  I knew that Jesus already held my baby in His hands and this was just earthly stuff.  I was also held by all of you, my friends and family.  I can not begin to explain to you the amount of calls, e-mails, texts, and flowers that started pouring in.  I felt held by all of you both near and far.  My Air Force family came in right away and we haven't prepared a meal since this all started.  I was able to stay in my bed, and grieve.  My best friend who knows me all too well sent me a message that said "don't be strong, it's ok to grieve".  I took her advice and I have grieved.  Also, I have received so many messages from people who have gone through this before and have offered words of encouragement and support.  Those messages have meant the world to me as it helps to know somebody has walked through this before and knows how it feels. 

This has truly been an experience like no other.  I have asked why about a dozen times and I know that I may never have those answers.  The physical pain is a reminder of what didn't happen and that makes it all the more emotional for me.  The tears have dried and I started asking God what He was doing?  Should we stop trying to have another baby?  We want to adopt God, do you want us only to do that?  I can't go through this again, what ARE YOU DOING?!  I just wanted an answer.  And then, my brother-in-law sent me a suggestion to listen to a song.  "He Weeps" by Fireflight.  I know now, that He's weeping with us.  He has a plan and I will walk in that plan and trust my heart to Him because I know that He only wants what is best for us.

Thank you so much for your support through this entire struggle.  Our family is so blessed to have friends and family all over the globe who have stretched out their arms and prayers to us.  We feel held by all of you.

Baby #3

Last year was a pretty hard year for our family.  We found out that we were moving to Wyoming and started trying to sell our house and in the midst of this process Stephen had to go to Little Rock for some training for 4 months.  It was tough to try and keep a house show ready with 2 toddlers and no daddy at home to help referee, oh yea, and 2 dogs as well.  Also, the thought of moving a full day's drive away from our families was pretty hard as well.

Also, I had 2 miscarriages in 2011.  One on Mother's Day and one in October.  Thankfully we were visiting Stephen in Little Rock for the first one and I was so blessed to be surrounded by my entire family during the second one while we were on vacation in the Smoky Mountains.  If you are going to go through something traumatic I would say that doing it surrounded by family and the beauty of fall in the Smokies is the best case scenario. 

So, we found out we were pregnant about 6 weeks ago and while we were excited, I was very apprehensive.  It was hard for me to get excited because I didn't want to be disappointed again.  I kept telling myself to have faith and believe that this was a happy, healthy baby and everything was going to be fine but that was much harder said than done.  We went to have a sonogram at 6 weeks and saw the tiniest flutter of a heartbeat and it was such a blessing to see but of course I thought, "man, it is going to be even harder if I lose this baby having seen that". 

Today changed all of that for me.  I went in for my 10 week check-up and the doctor warned me that they can't always get the heartbeat at 10 weeks and it has to be in the perfect position.  I wondered if this was going to be another test of my faith but prayed that God would allow me the reassurance of hearing the evidence of life in my belly today.  Well, it took maybe 10 seconds for her to find it with the doppler and the most beautiful loud whooshing sound filled the room.  Tears filled my eyes and I immediately thanked God for His amazing creation.  The doctor even closed her eyes and lifted her face to the ceiling.  We were both relieved.  She had the biggest smile on her face as she told me that now the worrying could end and it seemed like we had a baby with a strong, fast heartbeat on the way.

I know so many women have gone through miscarriages and I am lucky to have had mine without needing intervention from doctors to help me along.  I am now full on excited about this baby.  I haven't looked at baby things or put much thought into a nursery and honestly, my personality does lend well to advanced planning.  I probably still won't look at very many baby things and the nursery will probably not happen for a few more months.  I want to know if we are having a boy or a girl before I jump the gun on that stuff but I will say that I am excited and even more than that, I am grateful for our 3rd baby to come.  Boy or Girl we will celebrate the life God has chosen us to parent and rejoice in His perfect will for our lives.

The Owl Incident

Last night my sweet husband informed me that it was my turn to walk the dog.  This has never been an issue until we moved to Wyoming but since winter hit in late September we have been having this battle pretty much regularly.  I put on my snow boots, his government issue super warm gloves, and my coat that has fur around the collar and head making me resemble an Alaskan native but keeping me very warm nonetheless.  I got Jolene and walked outside waiting for the frigid wind to hit me in the face and make me wish I would have put long johns on under my pajama pants but to my surprise last night, there was NO WIND!  This is huge in Wyoming.  It was "feels like 25" degree weather according to the weather channel but with no wind, I was not even cold, well except for a tiny bit on my nose.  I was even able to take my hood off my head and let the fur hang down my back. 

As Jolene and I walked down the street I heard Owls talking to each other all over the base.  Some of them were right above me and as they were calling out over my head I would stop and try very hard to see them in the trees....no such luck.  I walked Jolene for longer than usual since it was nice out and the Owls were providing pretty good entertainment but she decided it was time to go home.  Jolene is older and when she's ready for home, she pulls your arm off trying to get there. 

I never take the back ally behind my house to walk her home at night because there are badgers back there and they come out at night.  I have personally seen them twice and our neighbor's dog got in scuffle with one late one night.  Badgers are nothing to mess with and frankly, they scare me. If only I would have known that a badger should be the least of my worries. 

I turned down the back ally already a little freaked out that we were back there but trying to get my dog home as quickly as possible so she wouldn't choke herself on her leash.  All of the sudden I heard the hooting of an owl right over my head.  I stopped to listen and there it was again but there were no trees where I was.  I looked up and decided that this particular owl must have a nest or be perched in the top of the chimney of the house I was standing behind.  I stood there very still as did Jolene (she must have seen a badger or something) and peered up at the chimney hoping to catch a glimpse of something to prove to me where this owl was.  Well did I mention that I had a big furry hood hanging down my back? 

This owl must have thought that on my back was some sort of rodent because as I stood there perfectly still trying my hardest to see something, a massive owl swooped down off the chimney right towards my head.  All I could think of was that he was about to get in my coat and I would just die of a heart attack right then and there.  The thing swooped down so fast that I heard his wings flap.  Well, what did I do?  What any raving lunatic would, I started screaming and waving my arms while jumping and running all at the same time.  Oh yea, it was a beautiful moment.

I saw a light pop on close to me and got out of there as quickly as possible.  How could I explain this one to the neighbors?  They've probably already seen my kids urinate outside, I didn't want to add raving lunatic to their checklist of why we are "those neighbors".

Wyoming truly is the Wild west!  Also, have no worries, when I walked Jolene this morning, there were no owls but PLENTY of wind!

That which does not kill us....

So I turned the big 3-0 just over a month ago.  I usually become very sentimental and nostalgic on my birthday partly because it is another year gone but partly because it is also very close to Christmas.  Well, this year, I was afraid of what I would feel on my birthday.  Here I was 30 years old, and while I have accomplished a lot of what I wanted out of life; marriage, family, travel etc....I had one thing looming over my head.  I always thought that by 30 unless I was pregnant I would be FIT.  Guess what?  That didn't exactly happen.  So as this birthday approached I kept hoping that I could put the brakes on time and somehow make the days last a little longer.  If you are a mother of toddlers, you know that to wish for LONGER days is pretty serious.  Well, my birthday came, and went.  I had a great time celebrating in my Mississippi home with lots of friends and family and I felt.....nothing.  NOT A SINGLE THING!  I didn't feel sad or nostalgic or anything really.  I was happy to be in the moment with my friends and family and moved right past that day as if nothing big had really happened.  Part of this was because our life was pretty crazy at the time with a deployed spouse, being away from home for a month, and an ailing grandmother.  I think a lot of my feelings just didn't surface because I didn't have time to think of myself.  This was a good thing.

Now it is almost the end of January and somewhere around 2 weeks ago I GOT IT!! No, not the self loathing or sad feelings of times gone by but the DETERMINATION!  I am now DETERMINED to get healthy and fit.  My 30th birthday brought me a discipline that I have never before had.  My dear sweet mother tried to forcefully teach me to be disciplined  for 23 years.  TWENTY-THREE years that woman tried and tried and tried to teach me to be more disciplined.  It just never caught on.  I am NO good with sticking with things.  I have a very short attention span and if it isn't "fun" frankly, I lack motivation to follow through.  Well, dear mother, please know that all of your hard work has finally clicked somewhere in my brain.  I am literally MEASURING everything that goes in my body.  Can you believe this?  Crazy!  I also go to the gym or do some sort of workout at least 4-5 times a week, with a goal of 6 times a week but I haven't gotten that far yet.

 I have seen why all of those "fat people" shows say that "you need to take time for yourself to be a better mom".  I have always thought that was hogwash, I've heard myself say those things to people and think in the back of my head, "yea whatever".  However, I have now realized with my new adventures in exercising that it does take time away from your family or just time that you normally would have to run errands, clean your house, or take a shower UNINTERRUPTED! If I work out from home I do it at naptime or if I go to the gym in the morning I have to take my kids to the grocery store after I pick them up from pre-school. If I want to do a work-out class at the gym, I have to plan ahead, have dinner ready and then head out where I'm gone for over an hour.  This happens usually around dinner time.  So yes, this is a sacrifice for me and for my dear, sweet, husband who is so encouraging.  I said that to say that it is TRUE!  You DO have to take time for yourself to be a better mom.  I have so much more energy for my kids now.  I play with them more, build tents for them and my irritation is further from the surface than normal.  Also, I've realized that my kids honestly don't think it's a big deal for me to be away from them for an extra hour and a half a day.  They really couldn't care less. 

To all you moms out there....just DO IT!  Also, please keep me accountable as I tend to quit things easily, as mentioned earlier!