This deployment was tough. Out of all 6 times Stephen has deployed this one was the hardest. He left 2 weeks after we lost our last baby at 15 weeks. I was a complete wreck for the first time in my entire life. It was so hard. I didn't know how I was going to get through it. The day after he left I called my sister in a panic having what I believe to be an anxiety attack. I then spent a good hour on the phone with my mom and dad. It is hard for me to share this but I promise it has a happy ending.
My parent's are the best counselors out there. My mom cried with me even though I knew she was trying to be strong for me. I was upset for her too. We are far apart and she had to leave me to deal with this. It wasn't easy for me or her for that matter. They prayed with me, told me to seek counsel, go to church, get in the word. "Do not run away from this." "Do not sink into that hole."
It was a hole. I have never known depression, never understood it. I know it all too well now. I know that so many people deal with this but I just couldn't grasp the horror of it until I was staring it right in the face. It is tough. I had to go to my follow up appointment with the fertility/endocrinology specialist who told me that this, like the previous baby, was a girl. He felt that possibly I just can't carry girls which was heartbreaking to me. My body essentially deprived both babies of nutrients is what he believes happened and of course we will never know about the first 2 miscarriages because they happened naturally. He offered to do in vitro fertilization and implant only males. I kindly declined his offer and drove the 2 hours home completely and utterly numb. I wanted to cry so badly but couldn't. I couldn't feel anything. It was a horrible place for me. My mom told me to take it hour by hour and that's what I did.
Then, God stepped in with a huge gift. Mariah Foster! Oh how I love that girl. My good friend had told me her sister, who I had met and loved, was looking for a place to stay for a while. I had previously told her that she could stay with us while Stephen was deployed and then totally forgot about it. Well, she came and for 2 days a week she had a friend come! They did the dishes! Mariah watched the kids! She watched TV on the couch with me and made me laugh. She and her sister pulled me into their family of other sisters (they have brothers too but I needed sisters). It is amazing how even when you don't know how to pray, when you don't know what to say. Even when you are trying your hardest not to ask God "why" and get mad at Him, He swoops in at the perfect time, with the perfect solution.
My awesome friends who I met at our previous assignment and who live FAR away, well one of them does, in New Jersey, drove for days and days to see me. They both had deployed husbands one of which missed the birth of his baby. (Military life is hard ya'll) It was so nice to see their faces and have them here, even though I was in the biggest FUNK of my life. I also have a great group of friends in neighbors and spouses who are apart of Stephen's squadron who always were there at the right moments. My neighbors with "Football Sundays" and just coffee or wine in the afternoons with a chat. Or when I finally felt myself again, the last week before Stephen came home, spending hours painting his man cave with me and helping me get it completed in the nick of time.
Stephen also told me that this was the hardest for him as well. He said it was hard to be away more this time than ever before. We skyped ALOT and it helped so much. Thank goodness for modern technology.
I was held when I couldn't move one foot in front of the other. And while I'm still being held by God, I am also held by my husband now. Because he is HOME!
And now for your viewing pleasure....
If you could see my face you would know what the look of complete and total relief and joy looks like!
My best friend is back!
Thanks to all of you for the cards, flowers, kind words and prayers! We used em all up!
No comments:
Post a Comment