A Facebook Rant gone long....

I haven't blogged in years....literally! Facebook has inspired me to blow the dust off this thing and put my thoughts out there.

I am a Mississippi girl.  You can ask all of the friends who have met me throughout my life if I take pride in my Southern heritage.  Every. Single. One of them would tell you that I do.  I love the fact that I'm a Southern girl.  I love all of the beautiful things that come with the heritage of being from Mississippi: the hospitality, the food, the intimacy, the family environment that we hold so dear.  I could go on and on.  However, some of you, my peers, my fellow Mississippians have turned my pride into anger, or righteous indignation.

A racist white guy walked into a church in Charleston, SC (which is currently in my backyard) and murdered 9 African American people who were there to worship.  On the heels of this atrocity South Carolina opened their ears to the people of their city and decided to stop flying the Confederate flag on the grounds of their Statehouse......and all of Facebook went nuts!

There is now talk about changing the Mississippi flag.  People are arguing and saying that if you think the Confederate flag has a negative connotation then you "need a history lesson".  Yea, I've seen that one a lot.  These same people are saying that slavery ended so long ago and people need to "get over it".  I'm confused about this.  What should we do MS?  Should we "get over it" or should we educate ourselves and celebrate it?  You are sending two very mixed signals here.

Here's what I think.  I think that the Confederate States wanted to succeed from the Union to protect their economic interests. Guess what those economic interests were rooted in?  Cotton! Guess who worked the cotton fields in vast majority?  SLAVES!!! It doesn't take a genius to put this together.

But let's forget ALL OF THAT shall we?  Let's talk about Mississippi's reputation.  I have lived all over the United States and lived among people from literally all over the world.  There is one thing that I know for sure.  People think that Mississippi is a racist state.  That is fact.  They are surprised when they meet a white girl from Mississippi who is not racist.  Is this fair?  I used to say NO! However, recent Facebook activity by many of you have led me to believe that it is CERTAINLY fair to make that assumption if you get your information from media outlets....including the social media posts by it's own citizens.  Mississippi has a great opportunity to create a more positive image going further with this decision.  It also has an opportunity to create a better, more cohesive people.  Why would anyone not want that?

Now, let's even forget the reputation.  As cliche as it may seem.....Mississippians....my fellow Bible Belters!  Answer me this:  What Would Jesus Do?

Leviticus 25:17 "So you shall not wrong one another, but you shall fear your God, for I am the Lord your God."

Micah 6:8 "He has told you, O man, what is good; and what does the Lord require of you but to do justice, and to love kindness, and to walk humbly with your God?"

Romans 13:8 "Let no debt remain outstanding, except the continuing debt to love one another, for whoever loves others has fulfilled the law"

Baby Time is Near

Well, I went to the doctor today and it was confirmed that I am incubating a big baby!  We tend to have big babies in our family so this wasn't too concerning for me.  After all, Parker was 8lbs 8oz 21 1/2" long and Elijah was 8lbs 14oz 21" long.  I was pretty confident that they couldn't surprise me today!

I was WRONG!  This baby girl is weighing in at 7lbs already and we have 4 weeks to go!! Her belly measured 38 weeks +4 days!  We could literally see the pudge of her thighs on the sonogram.  I am very thankful that she is seemingly healthy.  She passed all of the sonogram tests with flying colors.

I, however did not.  Unfortunately I had elevated protein levels in my urine and am starting to swell more in my face than they would like.  I have only gained 10 pounds during this pregnancy and lost 12 pounds in the beginning so I truly assumed this would prevent me from having any complications but unfortunately that isn't the case.  My sugar is great and my blood pressure is great but with these other complications come some concern.

The plan:  I have to collect my urine for 24hrs and turn it in for testing.  Oh yea, I get to keep it on ice too!  Isn't that grand??  If this urine test comes back with high levels of proteins they will possibly induce NEXT WEEK!!

I have to go to the doctor from now until this little bundle arrives every Tuesday and Friday starting with today's visit.  They will do a half hour stress test every Friday and on Tuesdays I will have a half hour stress test combined with a sonogram.  I was told to"take it easy" which will prove to be difficult since my nesting instincts have kicked in!

I am 1cm dilated so it seems like we are well on our way to having a baby!

We appreciate all of the prayers and support.  I am feeling very unprepared but excited!

Love to all of you!!

Big things are brewing!

Wow!  It's been so long since I've blogged.  A lot has transpired but I will hit the highlights!

Here Goes.....

In January I found out I was pregnant!!  I was scared, to put it mildly.  I had long conversations with God about how there is no way I could endure another miscarriage.

In March they told us they were "almost positive" we were having a baby boy!  If you remember the specialist had told me I would probably not be able to carry a girl successfully so this news of a boy eased the emotional roller coaster I was on.  It was truly a relief but also bittersweet.  I had prayed for a baby girl but was simply excited to have a baby that might actually survive!

In May we went in for the sex determining sonogram.  It was the same technician who told us the baby was a boy (Rewind, a few weeks earlier i had an ER visit in which they said they thought it was a girl).  I told our technician all of this and about how our sweet Elijah was thought to be a girl until he was born.  Well sure enough, after lots of looking, re-looking and bringing a second technician to "ease our minds" they announced that this baby was "definitely a girl"!

Now, if you are in the Air Force you know that moving is a huge part of life.  Stephen and I talk about our "next move" a lot!!  June became time for Stephen to re-sign his commitment to the Air Force or decline their offer and go into he Guard and on to different opportunities.  We talked about what he wanted a lot and decided that if we could get a good assignment we would definitely stay in Active Duty.  Of course, everybody knows there are tons of changes going on in our country and the military is not removed from these changes.  So, we waited and trusted God thinking it would be a while before we HAD to decide.  The one odd thing was that the resign bonus that is usually offered in early Spring had not come down yet.  If that had come into play earlier this year, we would have likely taken the bonus and been committed to at least 5 more years in the Active Duty community.

Stephen comes home one day with big news of a possible next assignment but it was a tricky one and we would have to wait and see.  It was in a good location and doing a job he would love.  We all sort of hoped this was our answer.  Shortly thereafter we find out that he can't try for this assignment until October because of some of their rules for hire.  No big deal, we thought. The baby is due in early September so it seemed perfect.  Literally one day later: Stephen comes home to tell me that he has been "non-vol'd" and has to rank these five places in order of desired placement.  In other words: we would be moving by the end of this year to one of five places, none of which were desirable in our opinion.  We sat down and ranked them with heavy hearts but thinking, well if we get first choice then maybe it will be ok.  The next day he comes home and says, "I got Vegas" (His 2nd choice). I felt sick!  Ugh!  If you know me, you know that Vegas is not my idea of a prime location.  But, I vowed to him to stick with him through thick and thin.  My dad even put in our vows the passage from Ruth, "wherever you go, I will go, wherever you lodge I will lodge...."  I told him it was his decision and we would make it work no matter what.  I prayed hard that God would give him guidance and his decision to separate from Active Duty came pretty soon after the news.  A few other things transpired between then and now but the results are the same:  we are moving on!

We are excited and nervous.  It's exciting to get to have a choice about where you live and the thought of our children going to the same school with the same people is a big relief for me.  Stephen will soon be busy with finding a Guard/Reserve unit to work for and trying to get on with an airline or FedEx.  I have full confidence that this was very much all God's timing and trust that Stephen's hard work and dedication to his passion will see us through the transition.  I married a pretty special guy and I am excited for our new baby and the new opportunities that await!

Sorry for the novel!! I will update more frequently over the next several months to keep all of you in the know!!

Until next time....

PS We just returned from a 9 day trip to Yellowstone and Grand Teton....it was amazing!!

Homecoming!

As I sit here writing this my sweet husband is outside playing football with the boys and watching Parker "swing himself", a task he learned to do while Daddy was away and one that he was so proud of.  He also learned to ride his bike unaccompanied which Daddy had been teaching him for weeks. 

This deployment was tough.  Out of all 6 times Stephen has deployed this one was the hardest.  He left 2 weeks after we lost our last baby at 15 weeks.  I was a complete wreck for the first time in my entire life.  It was so hard.  I didn't know how I was going to get through it.  The day after he left I called my sister in a panic having what I believe to be an anxiety attack. I then spent a good hour on the phone with my mom and dad.  It is hard for me to share this but I promise it has a happy ending. 

My parent's are the best counselors out there.  My mom cried with me even though I knew she was trying to be strong for me.  I was upset for her too.  We are far apart and she had to leave me to deal with this.  It wasn't easy for me or her for that matter.  They prayed with me, told me to seek counsel, go to church, get in the word.  "Do not run away from this."  "Do not sink into that hole." 

It was a hole.  I have never known depression, never understood it.  I know it all too well now.  I know that so many people deal with this but I just couldn't grasp the horror of it until I was staring it right in the face.  It is tough.  I had to go to my follow up appointment with the fertility/endocrinology specialist who told me that this, like the previous baby, was a girl.  He felt that possibly I just can't carry girls which was heartbreaking to me.  My body essentially deprived both babies of nutrients is what he believes happened and of course we will never know about the first 2 miscarriages because they happened naturally.  He offered to do in vitro fertilization and implant only males.  I kindly declined his offer and drove the 2 hours home completely and utterly numb.  I wanted to cry so badly but couldn't.  I couldn't feel anything.  It was a horrible place for  me.  My mom told me to take it hour by hour and that's what I did. 

Then, God stepped in with a huge gift.  Mariah Foster!  Oh how I love that girl.  My good friend had told me her sister, who I had met and loved, was looking for a place to stay for a while.  I had previously told her that she could stay with us while Stephen was deployed and then totally forgot about it.  Well, she came and for 2 days a week she had a friend come!  They did the dishes!  Mariah watched the kids!  She watched TV on the couch with me and made me laugh.  She and her sister pulled me into their family of other sisters (they have brothers too but I needed sisters).  It is amazing how even when you don't know how to pray, when you don't know what to say.  Even when you are trying your hardest not to ask God "why" and get mad at Him, He swoops in at the perfect time, with the perfect solution. 

My awesome friends who I met at our previous assignment and who live FAR away, well one of them does, in New Jersey, drove for days and days to see me.  They both had deployed husbands one of which missed the birth of his baby. (Military life is hard ya'll)  It was so nice to see their faces and have them here, even though I was in the biggest FUNK of my life.  I also have a great group of friends in neighbors and spouses who are apart of Stephen's squadron who always were there at the right moments.  My neighbors with "Football Sundays" and just coffee or wine in the afternoons with a chat.  Or when I finally felt myself again, the last week before Stephen came home, spending hours painting his man cave with me and helping me get it completed in the nick of time.

Stephen also told me that this was the hardest for him as well.  He said it was hard to be away more this time than ever before.  We skyped ALOT and it helped so much.  Thank goodness for modern technology.

I was held when I couldn't move one foot in front of the other.  And while I'm still being held by God, I am also held by my husband now. Because he is HOME!

And now for your viewing pleasure....

If you could see my face you would know what the look of complete and total relief and joy looks like!

My best friend is back!

Thanks to all of you for the cards, flowers, kind words and prayers!  We used em all up!

Grace

Well yesterday, August 28th was my big boy's first day of Kindergarten.  It was so hard for me to say goodbye to him.  It was hard because I couldn't believe he was already old enough to go to school but also because I hated the thought of him being away from me for 7 hours every day.  He enjoyed his first day and was excited to come home and tell me all about it.

Unfortunately, my day didn't get any easier.  After dropping Parker off at school, Eli and I went to the doctor.  It was time for my 15 week checkup (yes you read that right) and I was hoping to schedule a sonogram for the next week to try and determine the sex of he baby before Stephen deploys.  The doctor got out the Doppler to let us hear the heartbeat but she couldn't find it.  I was trying to be strong and optimistic since I had Eli with me but I knew at 15 weeks this was not a good thing.  We went into the sonogram room and saw our baby with no heartbeat.  They estimate that it passed away a week ago.  I had seen a specialist and was on a myriad of meds to keep me pregnant.  We all hoped it had worked and I had gotten off the meds at 12 weeks because the doctor said everything should be fine.  I am having surgery tomorrow and they will try to do genetic testing on the baby to see what is happening to cause this.

We have been surrounded by love and concern.  Our neighbors and friends are bringing food and taking good care of us.  I am a little concerned about Stephen deploying next week but am going to rely on God's grace and faithfulness to see us through.

Thank you for your prayers and words of encouragement.

English Assignment

Ok, as promised I will publish my short story for my English Assignment.

The guidelines were:
It had to be a complete story, 150 words or less and the main character's name had to be Shawn Bell.

                                                                  

                                               Legacy




The pain of loss was a familiar feeling for Shawn Bell. She had lost her parents, her husband, and a child. Shawn knew she didn’t have much longer to live. She was surrounded by her five living children, their spouses, and all 15 of her grandchildren. She felt at peace but hoped everyone would realize that she wanted them to move on quickly. Life was for the living.

Shawn was happy that she was about to be reunited with the love of her life and her baby girl. “Jesus, please comfort my family,” she prayed silently as they all started to sing. She felt herself start to smile as she took her last breath. She knew that just as God had held her when she went through the tragedies in her life, he was now holding her family in their time of sorrow.

“Blessed assurance, Jesus is mine….”



                                                                    The End

Critique AWAY!

Life Goes On

Well much has happened since my last post.  I had my follow-up appiontment from the D&C with my OBGYN.  She told me that they didn't get any conclusive results from the baby.  I thought that would happen and was surprisingly ok with not having the answer to my "Why".  In this instance I have learned that trust and faith are both very essential to sanity.  I simply trust that God's hand was on our family and have faith that His will is best.  My doctor also referred me to a Reproductive Endocrinologist.  He works outside of Denver in an infertility clinic so I will see him at the end of June and we will go from there. 

The latest big deal in our house is that now our baby:
Elijah Stephen Holt 5/14/08 8lbs 13oz

TURNED 4!!!

He is such a blessing to us and always makes us laugh.  I can't believe that my baby is 4 years old and that my oldest is going to Kindergarten in the fall.  I am now the mother of a "School-Aged" child?  How did that happen? 

Here is a picture of our latest Wyoming Adventure...Hiking in Nebraska (I know that isn't Wyoming but it's close ok?)

The boys are naturals...

Coming up...VACATION! Tune in soon.