He Weeps With Us

At 10 weeks I was able to hear my baby's heartbeat and finally able to rest easy with this pregnancy.  I was getting super excited to have a baby in the house again. I started dreaming about the baby and was filled with such an overwhelming sense of blessing to be having this baby.  After 2 miscarriages it was such a relief to hear that beautiful sound fill the room.  Then at 12 weeks I went in due to some weird sharp pains in my upper abdomen.  The doctor couldn't find the baby's heartbeat with the doppler.  She told me not to freak out, and I didn't.  I was more excited that I was going to get to see my baby.  I walked down the hallway to the ultrasound room and watched on the big screen in front of me as the video of my baby appeared.  It was a perfect baby.  I saw it's little hands and arms.  Its face was tucked down on its chest and it's legs were curled up into it's belly.  This looked like a perfect baby measuring 12weeks and 3 days, a few days bigger than we expected.  There was just one thing missing, the ever important blinking in the chest indicating the heartbeat.  I looked over at the sonographer and said "there's no heartbeat" and she said "no, I'm sorry".  I asked her if anything else looked abnormal and she said "no, everything looks perfect".  That was exactly what I was thinking, this baby looked perfect.  How could it not be here?  But there was a stillness that I can't forget.  It was so still, no blinking heartbeat, no moving just a peaceful, beautiful baby. 

I drove home with the doctor's words bouncing around in my head.  "It happened very recently, possibly in the last 24 hours; it wasn't your fault; we couldn't have prevented this; you can wait and do it naturally at home or let us take care of it at the hospital; it will feel like full term labor; it will be traumatizing; we can test the baby if you do it at the hospital and see what happened".  By the time I got home I was determined that nobody was going to take this baby from me.  I would let it happen naturally.  I came home and talked to my husband who thought this was not a good idea, my mom and sisters who also advised me to let them do it at the hospital.  I somehow imagined myself burying the baby under a rose bush but of course, when you don't live somewhere permanently, this is also hard to imagine.  Then my big sister who has gone through this before said, "the baby's soul is gone".  I finally realized that although I saw a perfect baby that morning that it was with Jesus, and nothing I could do would change that.  I let my husband set up the surgery with the doctor with the understanding that I would have another ultrasound the next morning before the procedure and we waited.  I sat in my car outside the hospital and prayed and asked God to carry me.  I knew I couldn't do this by myself.  It was too heartbreaking and I was too weak.  He came through in every way possible.

The thought of my baby, that perfect baby in my womb not being validated somehow is heartbreaking.  I had life inside of me, how could I just forget about that?  This was somehow different for me than the 2 babies I lost earlier in pregnancy.  Somehow the fact that it all happened naturally made it seem more acceptable.  But I know that God breathed life into that baby inside of me, and it continues to have life with Him in heaven.

The entire next day, looking at my baby again, then later, waiting for the anesthesia to kick in, I was being held.  I was only slightly nervous but my heart was at peace.  A peace that could not be explained.  I knew that Jesus already held my baby in His hands and this was just earthly stuff.  I was also held by all of you, my friends and family.  I can not begin to explain to you the amount of calls, e-mails, texts, and flowers that started pouring in.  I felt held by all of you both near and far.  My Air Force family came in right away and we haven't prepared a meal since this all started.  I was able to stay in my bed, and grieve.  My best friend who knows me all too well sent me a message that said "don't be strong, it's ok to grieve".  I took her advice and I have grieved.  Also, I have received so many messages from people who have gone through this before and have offered words of encouragement and support.  Those messages have meant the world to me as it helps to know somebody has walked through this before and knows how it feels. 

This has truly been an experience like no other.  I have asked why about a dozen times and I know that I may never have those answers.  The physical pain is a reminder of what didn't happen and that makes it all the more emotional for me.  The tears have dried and I started asking God what He was doing?  Should we stop trying to have another baby?  We want to adopt God, do you want us only to do that?  I can't go through this again, what ARE YOU DOING?!  I just wanted an answer.  And then, my brother-in-law sent me a suggestion to listen to a song.  "He Weeps" by Fireflight.  I know now, that He's weeping with us.  He has a plan and I will walk in that plan and trust my heart to Him because I know that He only wants what is best for us.

Thank you so much for your support through this entire struggle.  Our family is so blessed to have friends and family all over the globe who have stretched out their arms and prayers to us.  We feel held by all of you.